Good evening gentle reader! Once again I pulled the weekend patrol, and encountered a variety of offenders. From the cooperative, to the belligerent, to the violent, all were dealt with appropriately and the corresponding paperwork filed in triplicate. I believe there is much to be learned from their experiences with this humble TEARS Operative, and so I share their three separate tales with you now.

We begin the reports with one “Dr Crippen“, who I believe is no real doctor at all though I’ve been unable to confirm this suspicion. The good doctor was busily mining away in a small backwater system in Tash-Murkon by the name of Iro. I was in the area patrolling for unlicensed jetcans in my Jaguar when I encountered his Retriever merrily mining away, but there were no cans to be found.

On my way to leave I noticed a pirate wreck that as yet lay unsalvaged so I checked the cargohold to discover a Civilian Shield Booster. Not having a salvager equipped presently, I could not properly remove all of the debris, but I did what little I could by taking care of that module and preparing to move on to inspect the next asteroid belt.

No sooner had I begun to align for warp, I found myself being targeted by the Retriever and a rather angry looking flight of Hornet I’s coming at me full speed. My training and instincts took over as I returned the target lock, engaged my warp scrambler, and burned towards the Retriever as fast as my afterburner would allow. As is my habit, I began targeting his drones in order to dispatch that threat first when I accidentally sent a volley of autocannon fire into the Retriever and was shocked to see his shields disappear completely along with a quarter of his armor. Quickly deciding that the drones were tougher than the ship, I dispatched the Retriever with two more successive volleys and the drones went inactive.

Dr Crippen warped his capsule off towards a station to presumably lick his wounds, and being in no particular hurry I took my time sifting through the wreckage of his Retriever and destroying what I was unable or unwilling to take with me.

One thing I’ve learned is that paying attention to your ships scanning instrumentation can pay off, and such was the case today. As I was warping off I noticed “Dr Crippen’s Drake” appear outside the station he’d warped to, so I proceeded to a neutral area of the system and turned my scanner on the asteroid belt I’d just left. I did not wait long before the Drake appeared in the belt and I engaged my warp drive.

Arriving in the belt I immediately lock him and again engage my warp scrambler and afterburner as he’s salvaging the wreck of his Retriever. Burning into a close orbit we begin exchanging fire and he deploys another flight of Hornet I’s. This time the Hornets are definitely the priority, so I systematically destroy them while maintaining my orbit around the Drake. My Jaguar is pelted by volley after volley of cruiser missiles, but they have practically no effect on my shields. On the other hand, my guns steadily break through first his shields, and then his armor. Once I begin firing on the exposed hull of the Drake I open a private channel to Dr Crippen and offer a reasonable ransom for the survival of the Drake, but I was rebuffed. Moments later the asteroids in the belt got their second fireworks show of the evening.

Almost instantly Dr Crippen realizes that he is now without a ship to fly, and proceeds to vent his frustration over the local broadcast channel:

[ 2010.12.12 01:26:11 ] Dr Crippen > what a ass hole
[ 2010.12.12 01:26:26 ] Dryfty > I offered a reasonable ransom, you declined.
[ 2010.12.12 01:27:10 ] Dr Crippen > some of us dont have that sort of isk pratt
[ 2010.12.12 01:27:26 ] Dryfty > it was less than the cost of replacing that Drake hull
[ 2010.12.12 01:27:30 ] Dryfty > *shrug*
[ 2010.12.12 01:27:46 ] Dr Crippen > thats why your a ass
[ 2010.12.12 01:28:27 ] Dryfty > your logic escapes me. Perhaps inhaling all that asteroid dust has affected your brain?
[ 2010.12.12 01:29:24 ] Dr Crippen > i said i had no isk do you not under stand cant give what you dont have that why your a ass
[ 2010.12.12 01:29:40 ] Dryfty > you being poor != me being an ass sir
[ 2010.12.12 01:30:19 ] Dryfty > I believe theres an ancient Chinese proverb that applies to this situation, and I think you may find it useful
[ 2010.12.12 01:30:26 ] Dryfty > “dont fly what you cant afford to lose”
[ 2010.12.12 01:30:33 ] Dryfty > you might have heard it before sir?
[ 2010.12.12 01:30:56 ] Dryfty > I expected higher intellect from a “Dr”
[ 2010.12.12 01:31:08 ] Dryfty > what are they teaching in doctor school these days?
[ 2010.12.12 01:31:24 ] Dr Crippen > ha ha ha this is not my main my main is dave starfly i would look out if i was you
[ 2010.12.12 01:31:47 ] Dryfty > Im terrified sir. If you’re as inept on your main, as you are on your alt, I quiver at the thought of it
[ 2010.12.12 01:32:09 ] Dryfty > so unless you give yourself a labotomy before logging into this pilot, I dont have much to fear
[ 2010.12.12 01:32:58 ] Dr Crippen > well look him up he in 00 at moment corp monro
[ 2010.12.12 01:33:35 ] Dryfty > looking now actually, still not impressed. But whatever makes you happy, makes me happy sir.
[ 2010.12.12 01:33:45 ] Dr Crippen > modro
[ 2010.12.12 01:33:59 ] Dryfty > the whole “Ill crush you with my main” is so 2005
[ 2010.12.12 01:35:20 ] Dryfty > Though I do thank you, you’ve topped off my Tear Capacitors quite nicely.
[ 2010.12.12 01:35:39 ] Dr Crippen > yes so is picking on people in high sec p off to low sec and have a go
[ 2010.12.12 01:35:56 ] Dryfty > You fired at me sir, just who is picking on who?
[ 2010.12.12 01:36:08 ] Dryfty > at least take responsibility for your actions
[ 2010.12.12 01:36:42 ] Dr Crippen > you stole from me
[ 2010.12.12 01:37:06 ] Dr Crippen > you whent red to me
[ 2010.12.12 01:37:14 ] Dryfty > I severely doubt you were going to actually take / use anything from that wreck.
[ 2010.12.12 01:37:39 ] Dryfty > just trying to keep the spacelanes clear of debris
[ 2010.12.12 01:37:52 ] Dr Crippen > when you are low on isk all helps get back in game
[ 2010.12.12 01:38:09 ] Dryfty > you’ll notice I allowed you to salvage the wreck of your Retriever, before blowing up your Drake. We all have to do our part
[ 2010.12.12 01:39:01 ] Dryfty > perhaps you should “get back into the game” in low/null sec. You’re obviously much more powerful there than here.
[ 2010.12.12 01:39:14 ] Dryfty > perhaps theres kryptonite in this solar system?
[ 2010.12.12 01:39:50 ] Dryfty > dont worry, 1 more minute and you can safely undock
[ 2010.12.12 01:40:00 ] Dr Crippen > why i have not done anyone any harm here unlike some people i could say
[ 2010.12.12 01:40:10 ] Dryfty > no need to fear me sir, and I hope this unfortunate incident doesnt get in the way of our friendship.
[ 2010.12.12 01:40:18 ] Dryfty > I feel a special bond growing between us
[ 2010.12.12 01:40:23 ] Dryfty > like we’ve known each other for years.
[ 2010.12.12 01:40:32 ] Dr Crippen > :-)
[ 2010.12.12 01:40:40 ] Dryfty > oh sorry, that was gas
[ 2010.12.12 01:40:41 ] Dr Crippen > lol
[ 2010.12.12 01:40:42 ] Dryfty > my mistake
[ 2010.12.12 01:41:05 ] Dryfty > well you enjoy the rest of your day sir, fly safe if you cant fly smart ;)

And so ends the Tale of Dryfty and Dr Crippen. Riveting.