Good evening gentle reader, it’s been quite the eventful weekend shift here are TEARS patrol HQ in Agrallarier.  The most recent offender is quickly making his way up the food chain towards “habitual offender”.  Bear with me (no pun intended) as I lay out his many transgressions for you gentle reader, and I will step back and let him be judged additionally by the court of public opinion.

It was a relatively quiet afternoon, and a slow evening until I happened upon one “bullfart1” (yes, that’s actually his name…) happily slaughtering Serpentis employees and not bothering to clean up the moderate mess he was leaving behind.  I say moderate, because there appeared to not be a single battleship class vessel in the entire deadspace, so cleanup fortunately doesnt take me near as long.  On the third wreck he recalls his drones and warps off towards the station, leaving me to complete my job in relative peace as the remaining Serpentis’ are more concerned about saving their own hides than tanning mine.  That was until I received the following incoming transmission from bullfart1 (really, this name should be the first offense on the guys permanent record.):

[ 2011.01.23 06:01:33 ] Dryfty > yes?
[ 2011.01.23 06:01:57 ] bullfart1 > yeah would you mind leaving hte area
[ 2011.01.23 06:02:13 ] Dryfty > sorry, but theres still salvage that needs to be secured
[ 2011.01.23 06:02:19 ] Dryfty > Ill be done shortly though I assure you
[ 2011.01.23 06:02:25 ] bullfart1 > and it’s my slavage
[ 2011.01.23 06:02:36 ] Dryfty > as its in my cargohold, I believe its actually mine
[ 2011.01.23 06:02:38 ] bullfart1 > so fuck off
[ 2011.01.23 06:02:42 ] Dryfty > your salvage is in your hold sir
[ 2011.01.23 06:02:55 ] Dryfty > I really cant be blamed for your inefficiency
[ 2011.01.23 06:03:33 ] bullfart1 > either way fuck off
[ 2011.01.23 06:03:48 ] Dryfty > Im fine thanks, and I really dont appreciate your lack of manners
[ 2011.01.23 06:04:03 ] Dryfty > you could at least say “please fuck off”
[ 2011.01.23 06:04:06 ] bullfart1 > coming from the theif
[ 2011.01.23 06:04:37 ] Dryfty > we prefer to think of it as “spacelane sanitation”

At this time he returned to the mission, targeted my frigate, and opened fire. I kept the lines of communication open in an attempt to lull him into complacency, which was either successful or completely unnecessary. I continue the chatter as I warp back to station to spare my ship more of the ineffectual beating from his railguns and swap for a ship with a few more teeth: 425mm teeth.

[ 2011.01.23 06:05:07 ] Dryfty > well I suppose thats a bit more convincing than “fuck off”
[ 2011.01.23 06:05:10 ] Dryfty > its all yours
[ 2011.01.23 06:05:27 ] bullfart1 > next time think before my guns do the talking
[ 2011.01.23 06:05:34 ] Dryfty > roger that
[ 2011.01.23 06:06:17 ] bullfart1 > all i want to do is my mission and salvage after, so if isn’t an abandoned wreck then don’t touch it
[ 2011.01.23 06:07:14 ] Dryfty > an understandable request, there are many who arent as conscientious as you though
[ 2011.01.23 06:07:20 ] Dryfty > and that makes for very dirty space
[ 2011.01.23 06:08:06 ] bullfart1 > only in your mind, in mine it’s makes for a prfitable day

Oh dear. He sounds like he might have the makings of a TEARS officer, if only he weren’t so damn stupid. I’m now warping back in my trusty, and toothy, Cynabal and am dismayed when I arrive 48km from the Megathron. Knowing he’ll see the doom swooping down on him and head for the station I overheat my afterburner (still need to do further experimentation with the newly enable Micro Warp Drives before they’re ready for patrol duty) and warp disruptor hoping to hook him before he can leave. As it turns out, yet another completely unfounded worry as he didn’t even try to budge. It’s admirable when someones that confident, or clueless, about their ability to withstand a TEARS style arrest. I settle into a close orbit under the already pitiful firing solution offered by his railguns (he’d engaged me on my head-on approach and with 2 volleys only managed to remove 1% shields) and begin pelting him with Republic Fleet Fusion ammunition while deploying my Warrior II’s for good measure. His response?

[ 2011.01.23 06:09:03 ] bullfart1 > leave me alone

That’s right. Let’s take one more look at that just to be sure we’re all seeing it properly.. perhaps with more emphasis as I like to imagine him screaming it all alone in his cockpit

[ 2011.01.23 06:09:03 ] bullfart1 > leave me alone

What kind of man am I that can ignore such a potent warning and plea? I don’t know gentle reader, but it scares me deep inside, making me worry about the monster that could even now be lurking just beneath the surface of this mild-mannered and dedicated law enforcement official. That is a topic for another day however. Now to continue with the conversation, and it gets better:

[ 2011.01.23 06:09:20 ] Dryfty > Im sorry, but you did intiate hostilities against me sir
[ 2011.01.23 06:09:30 ] Dryfty > you’ve wounded my ship and my pride
[ 2011.01.23 06:09:33 ] bullfart1 > and now i am leaving

OH REALLY? For a moment I wondered if perhaps he knew something I didn’t and had taken the opportunity in station to fit a warp core stabilizer. Turns out he’s just an idiot, and after 20 seconds or so of him madly mashing the Align button on his console we continue our conversation.

[ 2011.01.23 06:09:53 ] bullfart1 > so you have to ba dick about it
[ 2011.01.23 06:10:18 ] Dryfty > Ive been nothing but polite sir
[ 2011.01.23 06:10:22 ] bullfart1 > all i gave you was warning shot
[ 2011.01.23 06:10:47 ] Dryfty > well you could consider this a warning shot, I would be willing to put all this behind us for say 40mil?
[ 2011.01.23 06:10:54 ] Dryfty > much cheaper than the alternative
[ 2011.01.23 06:11:08 ] Dryfty > Ill eve give you a minute
[ 2011.01.23 06:11:10 ] bullfart1 > says you if i had the isk\
[ 2011.01.23 06:11:19 ] Dryfty > thats unfortunate
[ 2011.01.23 06:11:29 ] Dryfty > its such a nice looking ship

I thought perhaps he didn’t want to discourse with me anymore, since he left the comm channel as his Megathron exploded in all it’s terribly fit glory. After securing the contents of the wreck, I decided to be charitable and let him know that I’d neglected to abscond with the tremendously heavy Cap Booster 800 charges he had been carrying.

Loot
From: Dryfty
Sent: 2011.01.23 06:13
To: bullfart1,

I left you the Cap Boosters, but thanks for the rest.

---

go fuck yourself
From: bullfart1
Sent: 2011.01.23 06:15
To: Dryfty,

how about you go fuck yourself, in my world people like you do not deserve to live, should i ever find in life i will be make sure that holds true

---

Re: go fuck yourself
From: Dryfty
Sent: 2011.01.23 06:16
To: bullfart1

Now you’ve carried your rudeness into real life threats. Im sorry sir, but thats unacceptable and will be duly reported to CCP. Also, you should be THANKING for blowing up that monstrosity you call a ship. Cheap armor plate, cheap hardeners, but no armor reps? But you fit Cap 800s and a Large Shield Booster? Wtf were you thinking?

I’ve just rendered a public service taking that out of space, really I should be sending you a bill.

---

loot this
From: bullfart1
Sent: 2011.01.23 06:16
To: Dryfty,

you couldn’t even be respectful, there was no damage to your ship and you were stealing my salvage in the first place, you have no honour and no concept of pride or respect

I’m really at a loss for words by this point gentle reader, but unlike our aggressor I manage to scrape together a few coherent sentences (really, I think he was so angry he may have literally gone retarded by the end of those mails. Note how his ability to communicate is distorted by extreme levels of unfocused rage.) and escalated these threats to my superiors within CONCORD. Here is a copy of that communication and their most timely response:

Name: bullfart1
Report:

After firing on my ship, and subsequently getting blown up by me, this player resorted to threatening to kill me in real life.

“how about you go fuck yourself, in my world people like you do not deserve to live, should i ever find in life i will be make sure that holds true”

You can find his EVEmail in my Inbox for your inspection. I appreciate your attention to this matter.

---

Hi,

<REDACTED SECRETS>

Best regards,
GM Zhainius
EVE Online Customer Support

Oops.

Good afternoon gentle reader. Last night’s patrol of Agrallarier was fairly routine, with a good portion of my time spent cleaning up the fields of debris left by the usual suspect: careless bears. One of the bears in question happened to be one Mr. Lorphall of the Aliastra Corporation. Upon my arrival in the deadspace occupied by Mr. Lorphall’s Megathron, and his accomplice Unkas’ Raven, I noticed at once that I had been presented with an opportunity. Instantly identifying the mission as World’s Collide, I moved quickly through the gate to the Serpentis Base only to find it destroyed. I made my way towards the Research Outpost, cleaning up a few wrecks on my way and bookmarking the rest for later disposal, I proceeded into the next area with the hope of stopping this pointless conflict before more lives were lost.

Arriving at the Research Outpost, I noticed that almost half of the defenders had been killed by messieurs Lorphall and Unkas, so I set about my grizzly duty of interring the newly departed and properly disposing of their remaining worldly possessions. Apparently our fine, upstanding mass-murderers took issue with the performance of my duties and both quickly targeted my defenseless salvage ship. After cleaning up two or three more balls of crushed steel, flesh, and bone I found myself fired upon by Mr. Lorphalls railguns and a flight of angry looking Warrior I’s heading my direction. I withstood the fire long enough to lay two more crews to rest before I was forced to flee by the deteriorating condition of my own ship. I was not to be gone long though gentle reader.

Back at station I quickly boarded my trusty Cynabal that was waiting on standby and checked to make sure I had the proper munitions loaded. Warping back into deadspace I see that our two battleships are still on their spree of death and destruction, and my determination to bring them to justice flared even hotter as I warped into the Research Outpost landing practically on top of the Megathron. Before he could even react he found himself scrambled, orbited, and taking heavy fire from my guns and drones. His associate Unkas locked my ship hoping to forestall the destruction of Lorphall’s Megathron, but I knew that my backup from CONCORD was waiting in the wings to take action should he open fire. It did not take long at all for Lorphall to join the ranks of the departed.

I finally noticed something else after securing the remains of the Megathron in my cargohold: there were no Serpentis left alive in the area, Lorphall had been 20 kilometers from the Damaged Heron when his attention was so forcefully occupied by myself, and Unkas was another 30 kilometers farther away than Lorphall. Perhaps imagining I could hear the cries of the survivors, or maybe knowing on a deeper level that there were still lives to be saved, I made my way over to the Damaged Heron to find the entire Ship’s Crew battered but alive and in need of rescue. I quickly ushered them on board the Cynabal and set a course back to the nearest station where they could receive medical attention and some much needed rest.

En route to station I picked up an incoming transmission from Lorphall:

[ 2011.01.21 23:53:50 ] Lorphall > whats ur problem dude?
[ 2011.01.21 23:54:11 ] Dryfty > you shot me, so I shot back
[ 2011.01.21 23:54:24 ] Lorphall > u were stealing our loots
[ 2011.01.21 23:54:29 ] Dryfty > Ship’s Crew got this too
[ 2011.01.21 23:54:32 ] Lorphall > ur a pirate
[ 2011.01.21 23:54:46 ] Dryfty > no sir, Im a ninja
[ 2011.01.21 23:54:49 ] Dryfty > there’s a distinct difference
[ 2011.01.21 23:54:54 ] Dryfty > just remember, you shot me first
[ 2011.01.21 23:55:03 ] Dryfty > I was merely cleaning up after you
[ 2011.01.21 23:55:03 ] Lorphall > U hink I was supposed to let u ninja loots and dont shoot back?
[ 2011.01.21 23:55:11 ] Lorphall > alright.
[ 2011.01.21 23:55:13 ] Dryfty > well, yes
[ 2011.01.21 23:55:19 ] Dryfty > Ill be a good sport though
[ 2011.01.21 23:55:29 ] Lorphall > congrats, I cant buy another BS, and Im leaving the game. Good job
[ 2011.01.21 23:55:32 ] Dryfty > and sell you your mission objective back for the reasonable sum of 18mil
[ 2011.01.21 23:55:40 ] Dryfty > can I have the rest of your stuff then?
[ 2011.01.21 23:55:45 ] Dryfty > no sense it going to waste
[ 2011.01.21 23:55:46 ] Lorphall > fuck u
[ 2011.01.21 23:55:52 ] Dryfty > now thats not very nice
[ 2011.01.21 23:55:57 ] Lorphall > Il trash it all b4 giving yo u
[ 2011.01.21 23:55:58 ] Dryfty > Im trying to do you a favor

In the end, justice was served, and yet another criminal has been punished. Some may call my line of work thankless or misunderstood. I just call it necessary. Fly safe gentle reader.

Good morning gentle reader. As you’re undoubtedly aware, there’s been an enormous push in New Eden in the last day or so for image makeovers, and we TEARS Operatives were no exception. With our licenses up for renewal, the powers that be decided it was time to issue new ID badges and update our file photos as well.

I think this is a good thing. You might have noticed that I didn’t bother removing my sunglasses for the last photo, and I’ve been told that I come off as “too aggressive” or “unapproachable”. I’ve sought to remedy this image faux pas and adopt a “softer” look that I hope will encourage more citizens to seek out my assistance. So, without further ado, I present the New Face of Justice™:

I’m one handsome devil if I say so myself.

Good day gentle reader, I hope this transmission finds you well. I’ve been quite the busy pilot these past weeks and am just now entering a lull where I can sit and update the logs. While the workload hasn’t been too overbearing, I have managed to bring a few criminals to justice recently. This includes my first ever fugitive Rokh pilot!

I’m not sure why, as I don’t fly Caldari-made ships, but I just dont see that many Rokh’s flying about, and on the occasion that I do they tend to be upstanding citizens with little inclination to accost spacelane sanitation crews.

This one was different. Perhaps Tomkroose felt he had something to prove to the universe. Perhaps he was trying to live up to his poorly spelled namesake. Whatever his motivation, he made a poor choice when he initiated hostilities towards yours truly.

It had been a mostly uneventful day on patrol when I noticed a Rokh on the scanner surrounded by a LOT of wrecks. I warped in and noticed that indeed the Rokh pilot had been making quite a mess, and proceeded to assist in cleanup operations with my Vigil. There were still several pirates in the area, but they were out of range and not engaging. After watching my efficient removal of 2-3 wrecks, Mr. Kroose warped off and soon dropped out of Local. I had an idea of what was coming next, but the reality of the situation exceeded my expectations.

I noticed immediately when our subject re-entered the system and sure enough I shortly picked up a Merlin on the scanner rapidly approaching my position. Knowing he couldn’t hope to keep pace with my lightning quick Vigil, I led him on a bit of a chase around the deadspace area. I would circle and draw him out wide, then zoom in to salvage a wreck and be on the move again before he could close. Obviously this was getting to him and he began going for the wrecks instead of me. Deciding to oblige him I closed to just inside his targeting range and held position as he finally managed a lock on my ship and opened fire with a couple of quick volley’s that did next to nothing. For good measure I salvaged one more wreck before leaving the scene to get backup.

Once docked up I kept an eye on the station occupants and sure enough Tomkroose pulled into a bay adjacent to the one I occupied. I quickly transferred over to my waiting Cynabal and undocked to keep an eye on the situation from a safe distance. As the window of opportunity steadily counted down I saw no activity from the station on my scanner. I really wanted to bring that Rokh to justice, so as the timer hit 2 minutes I applied for an emergency extension and was gratified that the paperwork was processed quickly and approved. Approaching the end of the extension, I noticed the Merlin had undocked from the station. I was approaching the deadline to apply for a further extension, but in order to do so I had to dock up to file the paperwork, but I also didn’t want to spook the Merlin as I wanted him to bring the Rokh back out of the hangar.

I noticed the Merlin drop off scan so I quickly headed for the station and docked up to prep the papers for another extension. As I undocked, the Rokh came out of station right on my tail. Certain that the operation was blown, I made a last ditch effort at deception to get the Rokh outside of the docking perimeter. I warped to a prearranged location in the opposite direction from his deadspace and focused my scans back towards the station. The Rokh was still on scan, but soon disappeared. I adjusted the angle of the scan towards the deadspace and was gratified to see the Rokh back in the mission with only about a minute left on the timer.

I warp in and land almost on top of the Rokh with seconds to spare, get a target lock, and engage my warp disruptor. From there the conclusion is inevitable.